Adam Sandler Gives Birth.

My sincere apologies.

On the bright side, his newborn biracial (Jewish/African) baby girl is absolutely perfect. She doesn't look a thing like her father and I have a feeling she'll go on to do incredible things. And I don't mean "Billy Madison". 'Nuff said. 

And again, I'm really sorry about the visual.  

Bad Dog. [Or, The Day Our Chihuahua Was Arrested.]

She's usually such an angel. . .

I'm not sure where we went wrong?

And I'm still not sure what she did? Drunk Driving? Illegal gambling ring? Excessive tail wagging due to drug use? Licking without consent? She certainly has a lot of explaining to do.  

Artists For Sale. [The King Lives.]

A once in a lifetime, super private, super ridiculous, badass show:

For a measly thousand bucks you can vend yourself one of the greats. After much consideration I chose Elvis. And along with a spectacular performance I received a handful of authentically gold, gold rings and a silk sash with some jeweled accents. It was pretty fucking awesome.   

Toenail Clipper.

I can tell you from firsthand experience that it's pretty cool when your toenail clippings turn into butterflies right before your eyes. 

Aliens.

Electro-line-neon space crafty. [They're here.]

Hot Tub Time Machine.

A few of the gays and I hot-tubbed whilst sipping sparkling wine and popping expired prenatal vitamins. 

...I dunno. Don't ask.

What's In The Box?

Your guess is as good as mine. 

 "I was walking down the street trying to catch up to some friends when I dropped something & it fell into a gutter. When I bent over to retrieve it, I saw that there were other 'valuable' looking things stuck in there. I got my thing first -not sure what it was, I remember it being the color red- Then I grabbed:
1. Cash wad. Approx. 13-14 dollars. 2. U.S. passport. [whose I dunno.] [didn't look.] 3. Sparkling silver ballet flats. One size too big, but I put them on anyway. 4. A small, ornate box. Expensive looking. I lightly shook it, but didn't open it. Though I know something was inside, I have no idea what it was? SO– WHOSE PASSPORT WAS IT? AND WHAT WAS IN THE BOX!?!?"

Any ideas?