New Zealand & Swimming Monks.

I climbed a mountain in New Zealand to find this:

The most vivid, surreal valley imaginable. It was slightly monet-ish with a sort of blurred multidimensionality. There were also swimming monks. I gathered that their mediation centered around constant swimming, as the water acted as a sort of spiritual enhancer. Trippy, right? I've never been to NZ, is this what I should expect? Hope so, that'd be rad.  

Adam Sandler Gives Birth.

My sincere apologies.

On the bright side, his newborn biracial (Jewish/African) baby girl is absolutely perfect. She doesn't look a thing like her father and I have a feeling she'll go on to do incredible things. And I don't mean "Billy Madison". 'Nuff said. 

And again, I'm really sorry about the visual.  

Bad Dog. [Or, The Day Our Chihuahua Was Arrested.]

She's usually such an angel. . .

I'm not sure where we went wrong?

And I'm still not sure what she did? Drunk Driving? Illegal gambling ring? Excessive tail wagging due to drug use? Licking without consent? She certainly has a lot of explaining to do.  

Artists For Sale. [The King Lives.]

A once in a lifetime, super private, super ridiculous, badass show:

For a measly thousand bucks you can vend yourself one of the greats. After much consideration I chose Elvis. And along with a spectacular performance I received a handful of authentically gold, gold rings and a silk sash with some jeweled accents. It was pretty fucking awesome.   

Toenail Clipper.

I can tell you from firsthand experience that it's pretty cool when your toenail clippings turn into butterflies right before your eyes. 

Aliens.

Electro-line-neon space crafty. [They're here.]

Hot Tub Time Machine.

A few of the gays and I hot-tubbed whilst sipping sparkling wine and popping expired prenatal vitamins. 

...I dunno. Don't ask.