Holidayz'd.

Every year I purchase a handblown ornament from Neiman Marcus as a gift for my mother (we like to pretend we're fancy). This tradition is always fun because it requires a trip to Union Square, which is quite the holiday spectacle. 

Anyway. (In a dream that I recently had.)

I realized that I had waited too late to make my trip to Neiman's and as a result I wouldn't be able to bring the much coveted box-o-class to Christmas. In a panic, I thought long and hard how to appease/please/delight my darling momma. Alas--   

I crafted her an ornament. With some old broken bulbs and a little glue, tape, and staples -yes, staples-, I made a super bad-ass, one of a kind, Christmas heirloom. 

You're welcome, mom. It's really the least I could do. Really.     

Paging Dr. Vomitus.

1. I'm eating a bowl of room-temperature blueberry yogurt in a hospital waiting room.

2. FLASH.

3. I'm a doctor who needs to check on a patient --irritated because I still have that disgusting yogurt, which for some reason I'm compelled to keep eating--. 

4. At first glance I assume my patient to be the new mother of a recently birthed infant, HOWEVER, I quickly realize that a. the 'infant' is attached to the woman's left side, b. the woman is drinking a beer and is clearly intoxicated, and finally, c. no one else in the room seems to be fazed by any of this.
5. I vomit. (Goodbye blueberry yogurt.)

Fin.

Snake Bite.

I was on Safari in Africa (?) when a corn-on-the-cob snake bit my right arm:  

Subsequently, I broke out in strange hives resembling swollen pustules, or rather, ready-to-pop pimples; it was more disgusting than terrifying. And although a snake bite is never really pleasant, I did enjoy the strangeness of it all. Twas' an adventure indeed (fucking corn-on-the-cob snakes).  

Giraffe For Hire.

They ran out of boats so they had to send giraffes across the bay-- the commute just got sick. 

Sex, God, and Rock 'n' Roll. (And garbage too.)

1. Wainwright and I are driving through Colorado when suddenly trash begins to line the road.

2. Rather quickly, the trash builds up until it creates two walls on both sides of us. 

3. Eventually the walls lead to a giant God-Haus in the midst of abundant detritus and refuse. 

4. We enter the God-Haus and there is a large motionless mass congregated around a DJ.

5. We explore further and stumble across an orgy.
6. And while I'm intrigued and 'enlightened', Wainwright is horrified and confused.

fin/ The End.